Now this week’s self-care task will probably be quite challenging but I promise that it will make your life better. It will give you more time to focus on what is important to you and it will make you feel emotionally lighter.
You need to release the toxic people from your life. People and attitudes that no longer serve you need to go. I think the Kon-Mari method of tidying up can totally work for people too. And why shouldn’t it? I think that just makes sense. Efficiency-wise. So the method asks you to consider every item you own, pick it up and ask ‘does it bring you joy’. Now, I’m not asking you to go around picking people up, in fact you shouldn’t be doing that without their permission anyway. But I want you to think long and hard about the people in your life that you sometimes think are toxic. Now it shouldn’t be hard because you already know who they are. You know you do.
They’re the people who constantly make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Like you should feel guilty about something. Like you’ve let them down. And yeah, sometimes you will fuck up and let someone down, we’re not perfect. But this is if someone is constantly making you feel bad. Someone who gives you backhanded compliments or interrupts you to talk about themselves. When you meet after a few months or even a couple of days they don’t ask you questions about your life or show interest in your wellbeing. They act like they can do no wrong and they victimise themselves to make you believe you’re the problem. But you’re not. And you deserve better.
These types of people clearly have things to work through in their own lives. But it doesn’t always have to be your problem. It’s not selfish to treat yourself well sometimes too. You need to understand that you don’t have to keep every person in your life who you’ve ever met. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known them since high school or uni or even just last month. It doesn’t matter if you have mutual friends. It doesn’t matter if you live in the same city or different countries. You’re allowed to put yourself first. In fact, I actively encourage it. So you have to look at this person and decide if they are greater than the sum of their parts. Does the good outweigh the bad? Because if not, I’m sorry, but they’ve got to go. Release them from your life because you don’t need their bad energy.
Now how you do it is up to you. I mean if you think ghosting them is what you need to do then that’s fine. Because you’ve got to do what’s best for you. What I’ve found is a good way to solve this is to express these feelings to the person in question directly. I know it can be hard, I really hate conflict too. But you have to get over yourself for at least five minutes and try. When you tell the person how you feel and what you need to change they will show their true colours. Either they will consider your words and think okay, yeah, that’s sometimes true. I’ll do better. They may have a few notes for you, which is only fair. Or you may find they are unfortunately exactly the person you thought they were. They’ll yell at you and victimise themselves. They’ll refuse to work with you towards a more healthy friendship. At this point I give you permission to fucking ghost them. Extricate them from your life completely. Don’t you feel lighter already?
I’ve never understood why people always say that you know they’re a good friend if you can argue with them. I’ve always been of the mind that you choose your friends, so why would you fight with them? Maybe it’s just because I don’t like or have no time for conflict. But I don’t argue with my mates that’s why we’re friends. So if someone is always trying to pick a fight with you they may be someone to consider axing from your life.
This may all sound a bit brutal. But it’s not. If they’re good people who care about you then they will fight to be in your life. If they don’t? Well, you quite honestly don’t need them. Instead focus on the people who love you unconditionally and without strings.
Yes, Even Stars Break – The Scene Aesthetic